And the Oscar Goes to... US Imperialism

The year is 2003. 

The US President is unbending in his determination to wreak as much destruction as possible upon civilians in the Middle East. People around the world take to the streets to protest the bloodlust of the American military machine but it’s hard to stop when it’s already in motion. 

More importantly, though, it’s also the night of Hollywood’s biggest celebration!!! Other than a couple of pesky filmmakers who have let their conscience lead them astray, the night is able to progress without too many obstructions and that means three things: glitz, glamor and, of course, gowns.

Less enlightened times: the 2003 Oscar Ceremony took place against a backdrop of violence in the Middle East

But enough about the past. That might have been the situation two decades ago but we’ve come so far since then!

The year is 2024. We’ve had #OscarsSoWhite and #MeToo. We’ve even had Kony 2012. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has taken a long, hard look at itself and told the world “We’re listening, we’re learning, we’re going to do better.” Among the most-nominated films of the night are honest-to-God critiques of American crimes! Sure, the Osage Terror and the decimation of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are long-in-the-past and have little to do with 21st Century America but it’s good to remember how much has changed, isn’t it?

We’ve decided to let the ceremony get a little political this year (no, not in that way!). After honouring our favourite white supremacist (or rather, our second favourite after Mel Gibson) in 2023, we’re continuing the trend of sticking it to Putin in the Best Documentary category. We’re even letting its filmmakers (uh yeah, it’s 2024, Ukrainians can win Oscars now–keep up!) use their platform to speak up against the illegal invasion and occupation of another group of people (no, not those ones!). Had Alexei Navalny been alive to see the ceremony, we’re sure he’d have loved it (he was, after all, a man of taste) but we’ll honour his legacy as best we can (Lance who???).

RIP Navalny. You would have loved Flamin’ Hot.

Here at the Academy, we know that animation is cinema and these days… it’s not just for the kids! That’s right, we’ve got the hottest celebrities on the face of the earth to say as much so it must be true! To claim that Elemental is any less worthy of praise than Zone of Interest is sooooo 20th Century. As a truly international body, we know that many different countries are now rivaling the US when it comes to cartoon-production and that’s why we’re stoked to have nominated Hayao Miyazaki for the golden statue. We know he wasn’t able to make it when we last honored him in 2003 (he must have been busy) but we have no reason to suspect that he’ll find any excuse for skipping the big night this time around.

On a more serious note, the Academy is staunch in its opposition to anti-semitism. We’ve even given some premiere adspace to Stand Up to Jewish Hate, thanks to completely normal billionaire Robert Kraft, in case you missed it during the Superbowl. Unlike all those crimes that America committed way back when, the Holocaust has implications for the current day. We’re just hoping that nobody uses the night to take the wrong lessons from it and make any ill-advised connections between the genocidal white supremacy that motivated the Holocaust and any other events that are happening today. They’re different, OK.

We are aware that some of the nominees have made statements in the lead up to the big night that might imply that Palestinians are human beings. They’re very much entitled to their opinions–we have all types of people in the academy now that we’ve desegregated it! We just hope that any statements our winners choose to make are vague enough that a broad range of people can find something to latch onto.

After the hard week Dr. Jenkins has had, we’re pleased she could sit down to enjoy some movie magic!

And finally, here at the Academy, we know that the more things change, the more they stay the same. That means we may just have some party poopers on the night, like we did 21 years ago. We just want to assure all our nominees that we take the risk of traffic delays very seriously and will do whatever we can to make sure it doesn’t detract from the glitz, the glamor and the gowns of what is sure to be a fabulous night!

Jimmy Lanyard is a writer, unionist and cinephile from Te Whanganui-a-Tara. While he is primarily interested in film, he also occasionally writes about history, the public sector and animal psychology.